Balthazar and the THNGVB Day
by drowsyfantasy
Summary: Based on Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
1. One

Disclaimer: I don't own Constantine. I wish I did. Don't we all? I also don't own "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day." I don't own Nicorette© gum, either.

Post-movie. John and B are on more amicable terms now. Let's just assume anyone can see B when his guard is down. And run into him. And knock him over.

* * *

**Balthazar and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day.**

* * *

It started out as any ordinary day.

Balthazar was watching the cars roar around at a major intersection and waiting, just _waiting_, for an accident to happen.

All of a sudden a ball bounced out into the screaming traffic. Balthazar turned around to see where it had come from, and a little boy ran smack into him, knocking them both over.

"ARGH!"

The little boy looked up just in time to see his ball get obliterated in the mess of traffic. (Not just squished. Or mangled. Or flattened. _Obliterated_.) He then looked down at Balthazar. His face broke out into a brilliant grin as the half-breed struggled to sit up.

"You saved me!"

"I…what?" Balthazar shook his head and pushed himself up further.

"You saved my life! You stopped me running after the ball! You saved my life! Yay!" Balthazar then received a very sudden hug around the middle, and the boy laughed. Balthazar wheezed and hacked, due to the sudden lack of breath.

"You must be my guardian angel! Thank you!" And the little boy ran off.

Balthazar blinked.

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

The traffic finally crashed behind him.

* * *

Later on, he decided to make it up with a visit to a local public school. Invisible and immaterial, he walked over to a big kid picking on a little boy. This time, he was going to watch them.

The bigger bully was holding up the kid's backpack and dumping out its contents. Money, trading cards, a lunch, a binder, a pencil case…

"Gimme it!" laughed the big kid. "Or I'll beat you up!"  
"Yes…" Balthazar whispered encouragingly. "You do that. Be big. You're stronger than he is, it'll be so easy and so much fun!"

Then the big boy paused. He looked down to see the littler kid crying.

"Huh?" he said. "Hey, this doesn't make me feel any better. Hey," he said to the kid. "Hey, I'm sorry. Here." he picked up the bag and started putting things back into it. "You know, this card," he held up a trading card, "only works with this one." he put a hand into his back pocket, and held up the matching card. "You can have it, I've got doubles."

The little kid sniffed, but smiled. "No joke?"

The big kid grinned and mussed up the other one's hair. "Here, I'll even teach ya how to use it." they walked away, chattering on about the game.

Balthazar's eye twitched.

This time, he accompanied his scream with a little angry-dance.

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

"If this doesn't go well, I don't know what I'll do." thought Balthazar wearily as he waked towards a teenage girl about to throw herself off a building. It was now late in the evening, and during the day the half-breed had witnessed at least a dozen of his attempts to make a situation worse go afoul. One had involved an alcoholic, whom he had mysteriously cured. Another was an abusive husband, whose hand he had stopped miraculously. Yet another had something to do with a terrorist bomber, and another, an assassin. Then there had been the cheater, the shoplifter (_who turned himself in, no less_), the bully, the kid in traffic, the adulterer, the liar, the runaway, and then there was that graffiti artist…

Balthazar grimaced. Something was going wrong in his existence, and he was getting pretty fed up with the whole thing.

She was about to jump off the ledge. Balthazar hovered beside her, almost too nervous to try anything, lest it all go wrong. But in the end, he had to say it.

"Go on, go on, no one will miss you. You're worthless. You're good for nothing. No one will care and besides, aren't you in enough pain, isn't this going to solve every-"

The girl had pulled out her cell phone.

"Oh, no."

"Mommy? I love you, mommy!"

She hurried away and ran back towards the staircase.

Balthazar was left alone on the rooftop.

This time, not only did he scream, do a little angry-dance and wave his fists in the air, but he let out a chain of swear words that would make a sailor blush, a trucker swoon, and a rapper faint. (_and therefore, are certainly not appropriate for this fic_)

* * *

Balthazar pounded on John Constantine's door.

"Open up!" he yelled, still ramming the door with his fist. It opened and John caught his arm in mid-swing. Balthazar growled and pushed his way in. He sat down at the kitchen table and fumed.

John leaned up against the wall, chewing his Nicorette© gum and trying not to laugh.

"So? What's the matter?"

The half-breed fumed. "Where's the Holy Water?"

John blinked. "What?"

"Just gimme some!"

"Fine." said John in a bemused sort-of way.

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

(One soggy, smouldering half-breed and an explanation later…)

"Ouch…"

"Well, what are you going to do?"

"I was hoping (twinge) you had some ideas."

"Well…" John stifled a grin.

"What?" asked Balthazar, his eye twitching.

John whipped out his Bible. "Pray." he offered, matter-of-factly.

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Review!


	2. Two

Note: I do not own "Constantine", nor do I own "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day." Balthazar's not gonna have a very good week. Rating will continue to go up. Sometimes OOC. Oh, well.

* * *

Balthazar and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day, Part Two

* * *

"_Balthazar_!"  
The yell made him jump and nearly fall off of the roof he was sitting on. He had been watching the police and an ambulance clean up after a traffic accident and wishing he'd been involved somehow.  
"_Balthazar_! Are you listening to me?"  
He found himself being held by the sharp lapels of his striped suit-jacket, staring into the face of Lucifer himself.  
"Yes, sir." he managed with a pathetic squeak. He was being held nearly a foot off the ground, and was not in the most comfortable of positions.  
"It has been brought to my attention," said Lucifer slowly and dangerously, "that you have been associated with many…'miracles'…that happened yesterday."  
"Um." was all the half-breed could manage.  
"Are you aware of my abhorrence towards such actions?" asked Lucifer snidely, bringing Balthazar closer to his face, scowling deeply.  
"Uh, yes?" he said, wincing.  
"Then _what is wrong with you_!" he shook the half-demon hard, using both hands to violently prove his point.  
"I didn't - do - it - on - purpose!" Balthazar yelped as he was swung back and forth. "I - don't - know - what - happened!"  
He was brought abruptly so close to Lucifer that he bumped noses.  
"Then let me make myself very clear." he paused. "You are to stay out of any public business for one week, starting tonight. Or I will be forced to deport you for _good_. _Period_. Understand?" He was held over the rim of the building.  
"Yes, sir." Balthazar said weakly, feet scrabbling for purchase.  
"Good." Lucifer chuckled, and let go of the half-demon's lapels.  
Balthazar found himself dropping ten stories to make a rather messy impact with the pavement below.

* * *

After he'd picked himself up and managed to find all his missing bits, Balthazar wandered over to Midnite's bar. And surprise, surprise, who should he find there but John Constantine?  
"Is someone else trying to do my job or did you try to beat up someone bigger than you?" John asked sarcastically as the half-breed sat down at his small table. He took another drag from his cigarette and chuckled.  
Balthazar sneered. "I didn't come here to be made fun of."  
"Oh?" John snickered.  
"If you really must know, I'm in deep trouble for all the nice little things I did yesterday, and got dropped off the side of a 10-story building for it."  
"Ooh," John said, half-grinning, wincing and turning his head away, "I would have never noticed. That's gotta hurt."  
"Yes, it did."  
"We're not exactly Angels. Which means the word 'pain' is definitely in our vocabularies. So what now?"  
Balthazar leaned on a hand and frowned. "I can't go back until I shape up. And if the Boss catches me interfering he'll put me out of commission permanently. Plus," he noted wistfully, "after that fall, I…" he looked away "I seem to have been stripped of power."  
"Ouch. Probably Lucifer's doing." John said. He lifted the cigarette to his lips and took a deep drag. Then he coughed, and smoke went across the table into Balthazar's eyes.  
"Ah!" the half-breed blinked as his eyes watered up.  
"Sorry." said John, still coughing a little. "It's getting worse. Doc says I have about a year to go before _I_ go."  
Balthazar smirked slightly. "That means I have a year to shape up or I'll never get you in Hell."  
John glared. "Asshole."  
He stood up and strode away, and Balthazar had to scramble up to follow him through the crowds of half-breeds and their ilk.

* * *

Back up on the street, John turned to the half-demon that was following him down the streets.  
"Go the Hell away." demanded John.  
"But, I've got nowhere else to go! I need a place to stay!"  
"Go stay somewhere else."  
"I'm not going anywhere without magic!" pleaded Balthazar. "I'll get mugged!"  
"You'd deserve it." John was smoking again. "You'll get far worse, and deserve that, too."  
"You mean you'd leave me out here?" his eyes were huge. "Look at me!"  
John Constantine took a long, hard look at the half-breed, who was trembling with genuine fear. He looked like some rich pretty-boy, just begging for some punk to come and work him over. He wouldn't last long out here. Not in Los Angeles.  
"All right, fine." John growled. "Get over here."  
He lead the way back to the apartment.

* * *

"Oh, hi, John, I - _whoa_!" Chas opened the door and quickly shut it when he saw Balthazar.  
"Chas." said John patiently from behind the door. His voice was muffled. "It's fine. Open the door."  
"What's he doing here?" Chas demanded angrily, opening the door reluctantly. "Oh, my _God_, John, you're not -" Chas made a gagging noise.  
"Shut. _UP_. Kid." John growled, pushing his way through and into the kitchen. Chas paused for a moment, then looked at Balthazar, who was still standing hesitantly outside the frame.  
"Well, are you coming in or not, 'cause I'm not gonna hold the door open all night." Chas huffed. Balthazar blinked and scurried inside.  
"Huh." Chas walked over to John, who was puffing away on yet another cancer stick. "What's the deal with him?"  
"He's being punished by Lucifer. Long story." John said quickly. "I said he could stay here -"  
"Stay _here_?" Chas almost squeaked. "Are you _insane_?"  
"I've often asked myself the same question, kid." John said, turning around to look at the wandering, lost half-breed, who was running a finger over the inscription in the doorway.

"There's always a price."

* * *

End Part Two. Please Review! (hey, that rhymes…) 


	3. Three

Note: I do not own "Constantine", nor do I own "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day." Balthazar's not gonna have a very good week. Rating will continue to go up. Sometimes OOC. Oh, well.

* * *

Balthazar and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day, Part Three

* * *

It was warm.

His face was warm.

Balthazar opened his eyes slowly.

The sun was filtering through the westernmost windows' Venetian blinds. He squinted a little, then sat up.

He'd been sleeping on an old, small mattress. He stood up, looked around and noticed he hadn't a stitch on. He was indignant for a moment, then realised that since he was not in the possession of any sexual organs, that it didn't really matter anyway. He shrugged and went to find his suit.

The door to the bedroom was open, and he walked through it into the long main room. Chas was sitting at the table, a stack of books surrounding him on all sides. He was pouring over some arcane manual of something, muttering away to himself and taking scrawling notes on a scrap of paper.

Balthazar cleared his throat, and Chas nearly jumped out of his seat.

"Oh, I forgot." Chas didn't look up, but gestured to a chair on the other side of the table. It had not his suit, but a different, still nice-looking outfit.

"John said that if you're going to have to human for a while, you may as well look the part." he turned around and raised an eyebrow. Then he gestured to the kitchen. "If you're hungry, you can make yourself a sandwich. John's out at the doctor's, and I'm very busy." he turned back and continued to take notes.

Balthazar took all this in. Then he walked slowly and purposely over to the chair and took the clothes. He lifted his chin.

"I liked my old suit better."

"Then make it reappear." Chas deadpanned, still scribbling away.

The half-breed huffed and donned the new clothing. It was his size, and wasn't uncomfortable.

"I suppose it will have to do." he muttered, staring down at his sleeves. They were a bit too long, nearly covering his palms.

"Roll up the sleeves." Chas noted, gesturing with his pen. Balthazar looked at him.

"Don't tell me you've never…" he put a hand to his forehead. "Fine, come here."

Balthazar walked obediently over. Chas folded up the sleeves to the perfect length and flattened the crease with his fingertips. They were cool on the half-demon's warm skin, and it gave Balthazar a little bit of a shock.

Chas sat back and looked up expectantly into Balthazar's face.

"Don't I get a 'thank-you'?" he asked.

"You think?" John said, coming in and closing the door behind him. "He's a demon, Chas, he's not gonna say anything that might jeopardise his chances of getting back into the fold." He took out a cigarette and lit it.

Chas looked towards his mentor. "What happened? You're upset."

John did indeed look upset. "Fucking doctor told me the cancer's gotten too large to remove by surgery. Looks like my only choice is dyin', kid."

"Oh." the youth said quietly.

Balthazar looked down and away.

"So," John said, taking a puff and turning to Balthazar. "How's our 'guest' this evening?"

"Fine." Balthazar quipped softly, crossing his arms. "Where's my old suit?"

"Oh, that." John took the cigarette out and tapped it before returning it to his hungry mouth. "Threw it out."

"Threw it out!" exclaimed Balthazar. "What ever for?"  
"It was totally fucked up."

The half-breed looked at Chas for a translation. "It was beyond the human ability to repair." he tilted his head. "That tumble you took off the roof ripped your suit in like, a million different places. And without your powers holding it together, it practically fell apart."

"Oh." Balthazar swallowed. "I see."

"Be grateful you're wearing anything at all." John chuckled. "I could have left you with nothing, you'd be walking around L.A. totally naked. And you'd have a lot of explaining to do, you fucking eunuch."

The half-demon sniffed. "Just because I — "

"Oh, shut up, I can't concentrate." interrupted Chas, clearly irritated. "If you're gonna argue, go somewhere else."

"Gladly." John said sarcastically, and went into the adjoining kitchen.

Balthazar paused a moment, then followed him in.

* * *

It was finally evening.

Balthazar was just waiting for John and Chas to finish up a demon's slaying, he was waiting near an alley close by.

He'd refused to help, it would jeopardise his chances to get back.

The wind swirled behind him.

He didn't turn.

But he should have.

"Well, well, well. What have we here?"

Balthazar tilted his head back and gasped. He turned slowly.

"You, my little subordinate, have displeased me yet again."

"H-how so, sir?" gasped the half-breed, scared.

"You're acting human." Lucifer grinned foully. "I think I know the perfect punishment." he lifted a hand.

Balthazar tried to open his mouth, tried to respond but he was thrown back into the wall of the ally.

"You want to live like human?"

The voice echoed in the empty alleyway.

Balthazar suddenly realised he was panting heavily and couldn't stop himself. He tried to focus, but just couldn't.

"Hey."

Balthazar whirled around.  
"You got any cash?"

It was a menacing-looking older teen.

"Cash?" Balthazar said weakly.

"Huh." the other said, grinning. "You'll have to pay me another way, then."

"Oh no." Balthazar whispered, backing up. "No."

"Yeah." said the teen, pulling out his knife and approaching. He had Balthazar up against the wall, knife to his throat and licked his cheek.  
"There's always that way."

* * *

"…and when that happens, don't ever do that again. Now where is — "

"Over there." Chas pointed to the crumpled-up figure of Balthazar at the end of the alley.

They both hurried over.

John leaned down.

"What happened to you?" he said.

Balthazar looked up, pain etched in every line of his face.

"I got a little visit from the Devil." he said softly, gritting his teeth slightly. "He didn't exactly welcome me back with open arms."

Chas saw the ripped shirt, pants, and the blood running down the pavement.

"John." he said, alarmed. "He's bleeding badly. And its…I think…John, I think someone…" he trailed off slowly.

"Let me guess." John said. "I know what happened."

"Yes?"

"He made you human."

* * *

End Chapter Three. It's darker from here on in. Review! 


	4. Four

Note: I do not own "Constantine", nor do I own "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day." I do not own Bactine © either. Balthazar is now fully human, for future reference. With all that entails. Sometimes OOC. Forgive me. And forgive me the hints…this is gonna be an odd one…

* * *

Balthazar and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day, Part Four

* * *

"Can you walk?" asked John Constantine, standing up again.

Balthazar rolled his head up slowly and gave him a _look_.

"_No_." he said, raising his eyebrows. "I can barely _move_."

"Jeez, John!" Chas said, exasperated. "Look at how much blood he's lost! We need to get him to the hospital."

"Oh, yeah, right." John bit down sarcastically. "And tell them what? He doesn't exactly have I'D. or medical insurance." He turned away to light a cigarette.

"And besides, who'd help him?"

"I would." said Chas with obvious strain in his voice. John turned around slowly.

Chas had picked up Balthazar's limp body and slung it over his back like he was going to give him a piggy-back ride. He used one hand to brace Balthazar's knees and the other to hold onto his arms. The ex-demon rested his head softly on Chas' shoulder.

"Oh, great." John looked up and away.

Chas walked right past him, hefting up Balthazar so that he could walk faster.

"Well?" he asked, as he passed. "Are you coming or what?"

John could only follow the pair back to the apartment.

* * *

Of course, the clothing was sticky with Balthazar's blood, and couldn't be removed easily. It was ripped again, all over the place. Unfortunately, they had to peel most of it off of him by hand.

"This is disgusting." noted John, tearing off what once was the arm of his white shirt to use as a tourniquet.

"You think this is disgusting?" Balthazar quipped, wincing as it was tied tighter. "I'm the one living through it."

John almost sniggered, but then thought better of it and went to get a towel. Chas came in bearing more medical cloth, Bactine© and tape. He dumped it on the bed and proceeded to wind the cloth around Balthazar's left arm.

"This may sting, just a little." he sprayed the man's arm with the Bactine.

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" roared Balthazar, quite clearly it was stinging more than just a little. He grabbed onto Chas' collar and pulled him up to his face.

"What are you doing?" he demanded. Then he paused. Chas was trembling. He was afraid. Balthazar let him go.

John came back in, wet towel in one hand and dry towel in the other.

"Turn over." he said, cigarette threatening to fall out from between his lips and land on Balthazar's exposed chest. "Lie on your stomach."

The other man closed his eyes and gritted his teeth before slowly pushing himself up and over. He lay his head on a pillow they'd put on his mattress and turned his head to stare up at Chas.

Chas held the dry towel for John, who was leaning over Balthazar to clean the blood from his thighs and backside. He didn't exactly try to be gentle, and every time he scrubbed at the drying blood Balthazar choked back a scream.

As soon as he was done John towelled the now-clean Balthazar dry.

"Well," he said. "That proves it."

"What proves what?" Balthazar asked wearily.

"He was washing you with Holy Water." Chas said in wonder. "You're really and truly human."

"Wonderful." Balthazar groaned and buried his face in the pillow.

* * *

Sorry about the length! I wanted to get this up ASAP. Pardon me, the next chapter will be much longer.

Review!


	5. Five

Note: I do not own "Constantine", nor do I own "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day." Balthazar is now fully human, for future reference. With all that entails. Sometimes OOC. Forgive me.

* * *

Balthazar and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day, Part Five

* * *

Balthazar woke up to a whole new meaning of pain. From the moment he opened his eyes he was awash with agony that centred on his lower back and stomach. Agony and nausea and -

He leaned over the side of the couch and heaved. But dry heaves produced nothing, just a little saliva that dripped from his open lips and fell to the floor. He closed his eyes and tried hard not to cry out in pain, as his entire body seemed to throb with it.

"You're up. Good." Chas squatted down. He tilted his head up to look into Balthazar's grimacing face. "How do you feel?"

"Like I've been raped. What else do I have to compare it to?" Balthazar said dryly. "Like someone's given me an enema with Holy Water."

Chas wrinkled up his nose. "Gees, I'm sorry." he paused. "You hungry?"

"Get me a bucket, first. Then we'll see if I'm hungry afterwards."

Chas shook his head. "Noo, no buckets here. C'mon, the bathroom's over there." He got one of Balthazar's limp arms over his shoulder and dragged him to the toilet, where the elder proceeded to throw up anything that was in his stomach.

When it was all over, he leaned back. Suddenly a cool cloth was pressed to his forehead, another wiped his mouth and face clean.

"Wha-?" he said.

"John is out." Chas said. "So I have to take care of you. You've got a fever."

"Damn straight."

Chas chuckled. "How apropos. C'mon, we gotta get you in bed."

Balthazar gave him a _look_.

"No, not like _that_. Gees." Chas rolled his eyes. "Sure, I'm gonna take advantage of an ex-demon, who's sick and is experiencing the 'morning-after' syndrome for the very first time…" he trailed off as he dragged Balthazar to the bed and slung him onto it.

"Now stay put, I'm gonna get some more stuff." he said, and vacated the room.

Balthazar lay there in disbelief. Why in Hell was that kid treating him so well?

Chas came back into the room with a large basket of things. He set them out on the bed, as if he were arranging flowers. He stood back, as if to admire his work.

"Hmmm." he pointed to each object and named it as he went along. "Cold compress, towels, ooh, I did find a bucket!" he held it up proudly, Balthazar rolled his eyes. "Hey! But I've also got some Gravol, Pepto-Bismol, water…he looked around. "Oh, where did I put it…"

"Put what?"

"Thermometer." said Chas, stuffing it unceremoniously into Balthazar's mouth.

"Oomph!" protested the ex-demon.

"Ooh, just keep that in there for about…" Chas looked at his watch. "Two minutes. I'll be back!"

And again he left the room.

Stunned as he was, Balthazar managed to growl something around the thermometer.

"If you bite down on it, you'll get mercury poisoning." Chas said from the kitchen, voice annoyingly cheerful to Balthazar. "It's an old thermometer."

Balthazar hunkered down in the bed and crossed his arms furiously. This was humiliating.

Not so much as humiliating as what happened when Chas came back in.

He took his temperature.  
"Ooh, 99 degrees. Just above normal. That's not too bad."

He then picked up a spoon. Balthazar looked down to see a large bowl of chicken soup and crackers.

"Open wide!"

End Chapter 5  
More coming soon!


	6. Six

Note: I do not own "Constantine", nor do I own "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day." Balthazar is now fully human, for future reference. With all that entails. Sometimes OOC. Forgive me.

* * *

Balthazar and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day, Part Six

* * *

Thankfully, the ordeal of the chicken soup did not last long. However, it did allow for a lot of amusement on the part of Chas. Trying to get Balthazar to eat anything he put in front of him was difficult until Chas realised he could pinch the other man's nose and _force _him to swallow.

Once he'd been sprayed in the face with warm soup.

Thankfully he had a towel on hand.

But eventually, most of the soup and crackers ended up inside of Balthazar. His stomach felt better full, but the ex-demon sure wasn't going to tell _this _little brat! Instead he said, "I'm full now." And he really was, so Chas left him alone. He put out the light, closed the blinds, and…locked him in the bedroom. With the bucket, just in case.

As if he were afraid Balthazar would come out and beat him up, or something. "If you need anything, yell. Or throw something at the door." Chas said from behind the door. "I'm going to be in the main room studying."

Balthazar sighed and turned away. Then he paused.

To the right of the bed was a nightstand. It had upon it, a rather large mirror. For exorcisms, he thought. Then, against his better judgement, he hesitantly reached a hand over and picked it up. His fingertips were trembling as he held it up to look into.

For the first time, his reflection remained solid. There was no tell-tale wave of demon haze, or warping in the glass. Just him, or his corporal form. The vassal which held him physical on this plane of existence.

In the mirror showed the face of a man. A rather handsome man, if he didn't look so utterly terrified. So aghast that he could see his reflection. Because this was the clincher for him. This was the ultimate, the extreme, the zenith.

He really was human.

This was it.

As he watched the mirror with a mixture of fascination and horror, tears began to form in his reflection's eyes. The view grew blurry and his hands shook as he broke into tears for real. But he was silent while he cried, would not, could not let the world outside know he was sobbing. It would be too much. Too much for an already tired, humiliated, weary ex-demon who only now wanted to die.

* * *

When John got home Chas was sitting at the table opposite Balthazar, who was dressed in a house robe, just newly damp from a shower. Chas was buried in his books and Balthazar was contemplating what looked like a hot cup of coffee.

"How's the brew?" John asked offhandedly, gesturing to the coffee as he hung up his jacket and lit up.

"Why are you smoking again?" Balthazar answered his question with another question. "I was under the distinct impression that you were trying to quit."

"Well," John took a deep drag before answering, "ever since the doc told me I was going to die of the cancer, I gave up. This just feels…" he shrugged, "like an addiction."

Balthazar sniffed the drink in front of him. "Beastly stuff." he said, before lifting the mug and gulping down three large mouthfuls. "Tastes like burnt mud. But I can't seem to get enough of it."

"He's had six cups this afternoon alone." Chas noted, without looking up. "I was going to stop him, but it hasn't seemed to make him go nuts or anything."

John raised an eyebrow, and sat down at the table.  
"He had a fever this morning, but it's gone down now. I made him soup." Chas added proudly.

John didn't have trouble turning his laugh into a hacking cough. Blood frothed from his lungs and hit the table with a sickening "splat". For a moment they just stared at it, each reminded of his own mortality.

Chas looked up over the book. "Well." he said quietly. "Well. So. Is there anything on tap for tonight, John?"

"No." John swallowed what had remained in his throat. "Why don't I go back out and get something for us to eat."

"I want fries." announced Chas loudly. "And burgers with double cheese and bacon."

John laughed a little as he got his coat. "I'll be back in ten minutes." And then he was gone again.

"Is it always like this?" Balthazar questioned when John had left. "Him always leaving?"

"Yeah." said Chas, opening the book again sadly. "But he always comes back. Usually drunk. Or covered in grime. Most often bleeding from a few places - that's why we have all those towels." he gestured. "But yeah. He's always going, but I don't…know where."

He buried his face in his arms, and slumped down on the table. "Oh, my God, Balthazar, I think I'm in love with the man."

This nearly knocked the ex-demon out of his chair. "You're WHAT?"

Chas looked up, his face wet and his eyes red. "You wouldn't understand. Can you things even feel love?"

"For your information, young man, I am not a 'thing'. I am now human, and I have feelings too! Even as a demon, I could feel. I could hate. I could take pride in something. I could…I could even love. Yes, I could love." he finished, talking more to himself than to Chas. Yes, he could love…

Chas sniffed. "What do I do? What's wrong with me?" he pounded his forehead softly. "No way he'll ever think about me this way."

"Then he doesn't deserve you." said Balthazar, trying to cheer up the despondent boy.

"He doesn't even see the way I look at him. When I look at him, I mean," he said, blushing and gesturing to the books in front of him.

"Then the man is blind." Balthazar stood up. He was still in a sort of daze, he'd had so many revelations today that he was going to go mad if he didn't stop.

"I'm going to go back to bed, get some rest. Tell John I'll eat when I wake up." and he wandered into the bedroom, collapsed on the bed, and drifted off into a deep void…

* * *

End part 6, part 7 coming Saturday evening.

Review!

And…reader reviews!

Val Mora: I hope this chapter clears things up for you.

Shangri-la-gypsy: Yes, it is gonna get darker, and here's proof!

Firestorm717: I'm glad you like it, Chas does indeed have a heart of gold, and he makes a mean chicken soup.

Sherrielynne: Well, there's only room for two genre types, so…

Thanks for all your reviews, there's always more stuff where that came from!


	7. Seven

Note: I do not own "Constantine", nor do I own "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day." Balthazar is now fully human, for future reference. With all that entails. Sometimes OOC. Forgive me.

And forgive me, Shakespeare, for using _King Lear _and having everyone butcher it so! I do love your plays! Forgive me!

* * *

Balthazar and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day, Part Seven

* * *

In his dream, Balthazar was walking through Hell. The expressway of the dead, the rows upon rows of totalled cars, jumping demons everywhere. He was ignored, and he continued to walk along. 

Suddenly the world exploded around him. He was floating in mid-air, in a giant, bright white dome that looked like an egg.

"You. Are. Here." some voice spoke, and —

And he was roughly awakened by John.

"You lazy bum, get out of bed and have something to eat."

"I'm getting up! I'm getting up!" yelped Balthazar rather uncharacteristically and found himself dumped on the floor. "Ouch…"

John smirked. "C'mon, we saved you some fries."

The ex-demon quickly put on decent clothing and then followed John into the kitchen, still a little woozy from the nap. Chas had nearly demolished his burger, totally done in his fries. Balthazar sat down and took a long, hard look at the hamburger that sat in front of him.

"Oh, you must've eaten hamburgers before." Chas said with his mouth full of food.

"I've eaten solid foods before." Balthazar huffed. "I doubt very much that this is considered a type of — miffs!" for John had reached down, picked up the burger, and shoved it into Balthazar's mouth. He was forced to bite down, chew and swallow.

"Ugh," he shuddered when he'd finished. "That's simply _awful_!" then he grabbed the rest of it and dug in with wolfish delight.

"See, I told you he'd like it." Chas said triumphantly to John. John rolled his eyes sarcastically.

"Slow down, you're going to choke." John sat down and rested his chin on his hand. Chas was eyeing John's fries hungrily, and he pushed them over. Balthazar, on the other hand, had just discovered the fries and was eating them three and four at a time. Chas looked at John with a heart-melting smile.

"Oh, they grow up so fast…" he said breathily, placing a hand over his heart, like a mother watching her child go off to school. "We've taught him so much in such a short amount of time. Where does the time go?"

John cuffed the back of his head, and for a moment, Balthazar looked up and saw Chas' eyes sparkle with hope. But then as John turned away to hack, the look turned to utter despair and he could nearly feel the kid's heart breaking.

"You know what this reminds me of?" Balthazar said loudly, breaking the quiet tension in the room. "_King Lear_."

Both Chas and John turned to stare at him with looks of confusion. They mirrored each other so well the ex-demon had to laugh.

"Do you know _King Lear_?" he asked. John lifted an eyebrow. Chas nodded slowly.

"Yeah, studied it in school last year." he affirmed.

"Lear is so full of it that he can't see an inch in front of his nose." Balthazar said, offhandedly. He waved a fry about in the air. "He loves his daughter Cordelia so much, but his pride is so large that when she can't flatter him with words, he banishes her from his kingdom!" Balthazar ate the fry, crunching it slowly, waiting for the right moment to continue.

"But at the end, he ends up regretting it all, because, in Shakespeare, everybody dies." he added in a sick tone. Then he laughed. "Well, she dies just outside his arms' reach. He never even gets a chance to tell her how much he loves her. He never even gets to say goodbye." he tilted his head. "He dies soon after, out of grief and regret. Now." he said, picking up another fry and waving it about the table for emphasis, "does anyone have anything to add to this discussion?"

Chas gave him a look that said, you set me up! But he turned to John and said in his bravest voice, "What shall Chas speak? Love, and be silent…Then poor Chas/ And yet not so, since I am sure my love's/ More ponderous than my tongue."

Then, there was silence. Balthazar could hear the clock ticking. John didn't move. And then, slowly, he stood up. He looked mightily ticked.

"Balthazar." he said slowly, evenly. "Get out."

"John?" asked Chas quietly.

"It's going to get really, really loud in here in a minute." John said, hauling Chas out of his chair and forcing him up onto the table. They were nose to nose, and John spoke again. "Unless you want to die, you will give us privacy." He then kissed Chas long and hard, Chas leaning up, reaching with his hands, closing the gap, the distance, so happy, so joyous, so utterly, utterly —

Balthazar was running. Running, running, running out of that room, out of that apartment, tears springing to his eyes, for some reason he felt so…empty.

He ran down the street, jacket flying out behind him, not seeing where he was going, not caring, he wanted to die, he wanted to just _die —_

Some hand dragged him into an alleyway.

He blinked hard. It was…Gabriel!

"What are you — "

"What are you doing here?" asked the angel smugly. "Ooh, I know all about your situation. And I'm willing to help. I can give you back your powers, you know. I have that ability."

Balthazar half-frowned, half-sneered. "Oh, really?"

Suddenly he was infused with dark magic. He snapped his fingers and his old suit came back.

"How…" he was incredulous.

"Oh, let's never mind with _how_." Gabriel smiled benignly. "But I can take it away. You can be yourself again if you help me."

"Help you how?" Balthazar raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, I've got a plan that will make humankind pay for all their sins."

"Sins, eh?" Balthazar cast his memory back to the apartment…that awful feeling he'd had when Chas kissed John…jealousy? Could he be jealous of that kid? "What can I do for you?"

"Oh, just…your usual things." Gabriel extended a hand. And for a moment, Balthazar was almost afraid to take it.

"So." Gabriel purred, smiled dangerously, darkly. "Do we have a deal?"

* * *

The End... 

So that's it. The movie could be interpreted as a direct follow-up to the story, with a few details tweaked. If I get enough requests, I may post an alternate ending in which we see what happens after Balthazar leaves...

Review!


End file.
